Body Bound, Cold pole
arms numb, I need a bowl
From excitement to stomach lose
from arousal to abuse
Did I cause it? Was I not right?
left alone all day and most of the night
ignored, only seen
when watching me tied to the pole
made to feel at fault
open the wound and add salt
strip all my defenses
must rebuild all my fences
To scared to play
my self esteem he did flay
Will I ever trust anyone again?
Will I ever want to begin.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Lonely
Forever someones property
forever someones life in toy
never a person unto myself
never a sense of self
Can I stand alone?
Can I know myself? I am just a clone.
I wrestle with my inner thoughts at all times
just to fine me
Shock! Surprise! That is a part of me,
Even when controlled
I am who I have become.
No longer do I bow everyone.
How do I survive?
How do I learn to let others in?
Until I let others in Lonely I will always be
forever someones life in toy
never a person unto myself
never a sense of self
Can I stand alone?
Can I know myself? I am just a clone.
I wrestle with my inner thoughts at all times
just to fine me
Shock! Surprise! That is a part of me,
Even when controlled
I am who I have become.
No longer do I bow everyone.
How do I survive?
How do I learn to let others in?
Until I let others in Lonely I will always be
Loved
I want to love
I want to be loved
I want to hold
I want to be held
I don't want to be hit anymore
I don't want to hit back
I don't want to be ignored anymore
I don't want to miss a single word anyone says to me
I feel invisible I feel punished
unlovable
unheld
Waiting for the next hit both emotionally or physically
When Will someone want me for me
when will people stop pretending to be my friend
When all they want is what little I have
I deserved to be loved to.
I want to be loved
I want to hold
I want to be held
I don't want to be hit anymore
I don't want to hit back
I don't want to be ignored anymore
I don't want to miss a single word anyone says to me
I feel invisible I feel punished
unlovable
unheld
Waiting for the next hit both emotionally or physically
When Will someone want me for me
when will people stop pretending to be my friend
When all they want is what little I have
I deserved to be loved to.
Monday, May 21, 2007
I Hate Her Still
Written April 10th 2006. about my adopted mother who passed away may 10th 1997
Why did they die?
why did they chose it?
Was I so unworthy that it
wasn't worth the fight to live
She chose to go
She chose not to get better
She chose to leave me alone
With no idea who I was
And no help on what I could become
Almost 9 years to the day
I still hate her
I am still angry
I don't know how to let go
I still love her.
Please help I don't know what to do.
Why did they die?
why did they chose it?
Was I so unworthy that it
wasn't worth the fight to live
She chose to go
She chose not to get better
She chose to leave me alone
With no idea who I was
And no help on what I could become
Almost 9 years to the day
I still hate her
I am still angry
I don't know how to let go
I still love her.
Please help I don't know what to do.
Lost
Written during a manic, while still on lithium and wellbutren.
Lost, lose, I have lost again. Something taken once more.
Always something, someone gone, lost, missing, destroyed.
Tired of losing, tired of hurting.
Things always unraveling, turning upside down.
Never can hold on to anything.
Never can stay with anyone. Never wanted, never happy.
Never NORMAL.
Never in CONTROL.
Always a mess and always confused. hurting, Never whole, Never independent.
Always needy, and alone, always chasing friends away.
Never really sleep, or heal, Always in hell
Never knowing what to do,
Never knowing what to think,
Never knowing how
Where are the reasons to keep going?
Crawl inside the darkness,
Crawl inside the pain,
Crawl away from everything.
Find a piece of sanity? Find a piece of soul? Find a piece of life?
Unwanted unloved, uncared for…why do we have family?
At least don't hurt others in my pain.
Is there a way to stop being dependent as the pain grows?
Why must I be sick? Why different, Why can't I control it?
Why always the turmoil, always in extreme?
What good am I to myself? What good am I to others?
Tired so god awful tired of feeling, existing, hurting, confusion.
I want what everyone has… home, food, clothes. companion. Descent health care and enough to live without wanting for basics.
What have I done so wrong that I don’t deserve these things?
Who have I hurt so badly that this life is the Punishment I receive?
My body falls apart. My mind races.
I manage to fool others into thinking I am fine, normal that nothing is really wrong.
Today I was told I was too smart to be disabled. See I got them all fooled. I am not as smart as they think at this point I truly doubt I am as smart as I think ether.
Who would even want to really be my friend with me like this?
Are people really are my friends or are they just feeling sorry? Is what I feel real?
How in the hell do any of us know this life is real?
Lost, lose, I have lost again. Something taken once more.
Always something, someone gone, lost, missing, destroyed.
Tired of losing, tired of hurting.
Things always unraveling, turning upside down.
Never can hold on to anything.
Never can stay with anyone. Never wanted, never happy.
Never NORMAL.
Never in CONTROL.
Always a mess and always confused. hurting, Never whole, Never independent.
Always needy, and alone, always chasing friends away.
Never really sleep, or heal, Always in hell
Never knowing what to do,
Never knowing what to think,
Never knowing how
Where are the reasons to keep going?
Crawl inside the darkness,
Crawl inside the pain,
Crawl away from everything.
Find a piece of sanity? Find a piece of soul? Find a piece of life?
Unwanted unloved, uncared for…why do we have family?
At least don't hurt others in my pain.
Is there a way to stop being dependent as the pain grows?
Why must I be sick? Why different, Why can't I control it?
Why always the turmoil, always in extreme?
What good am I to myself? What good am I to others?
Tired so god awful tired of feeling, existing, hurting, confusion.
I want what everyone has… home, food, clothes. companion. Descent health care and enough to live without wanting for basics.
What have I done so wrong that I don’t deserve these things?
Who have I hurt so badly that this life is the Punishment I receive?
My body falls apart. My mind races.
I manage to fool others into thinking I am fine, normal that nothing is really wrong.
Today I was told I was too smart to be disabled. See I got them all fooled. I am not as smart as they think at this point I truly doubt I am as smart as I think ether.
Who would even want to really be my friend with me like this?
Are people really are my friends or are they just feeling sorry? Is what I feel real?
How in the hell do any of us know this life is real?
Heart Open
Heart open, Pain invades, Heart closed, Loneliness prevails
Soul to Soul, Mind to Mind
Pulled apart, torn in two.
Pain runs deep and complete.
Hearts break, Souls Shatter,
Minds explode in a shattered rainbow of emotions.
Hurt, used, betrayed, love, anger, hope.
A myriad of feelings course threw heart, soul and mind.
Heal put it behind you, move on,
Frozen in time and space, no way to go back.
Everything in Front as dark as a moonless night.
The Present a confusing message tangled in the
Heart, Soul and Mind.
Soul to Soul, Mind to Mind
Pulled apart, torn in two.
Pain runs deep and complete.
Hearts break, Souls Shatter,
Minds explode in a shattered rainbow of emotions.
Hurt, used, betrayed, love, anger, hope.
A myriad of feelings course threw heart, soul and mind.
Heal put it behind you, move on,
Frozen in time and space, no way to go back.
Everything in Front as dark as a moonless night.
The Present a confusing message tangled in the
Heart, Soul and Mind.
Adrift
Adrift among the flowering thoughts,
Tossed around by the raging current of feelings.
There must be away to stop at each flower.
A way to walk the roads of emotion safely.
There has to be a way that allows for a healthy
heart and mind.
My soul aches for the torment in my mind.
My heart breaks at the struggles of the soul.
There must be an answer to this puzzle.
A cure or control of this spiraling Illness.
Tossed around by the raging current of feelings.
There must be away to stop at each flower.
A way to walk the roads of emotion safely.
There has to be a way that allows for a healthy
heart and mind.
My soul aches for the torment in my mind.
My heart breaks at the struggles of the soul.
There must be an answer to this puzzle.
A cure or control of this spiraling Illness.
Hearts
Hearts melt
Souls fly
Minds spring
When You let love in.
Hearts are shattered
Souls ripped
Minds weep
When You let love in.
To open is to hurt
To be closed is to be Frozen
Unreasonable, confusing
but the only way to know your alive.
Souls fly
Minds spring
When You let love in.
Hearts are shattered
Souls ripped
Minds weep
When You let love in.
To open is to hurt
To be closed is to be Frozen
Unreasonable, confusing
but the only way to know your alive.
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