Lost

Written during a manic, while still on lithium and wellbutren.

Lost, lose, I have lost again. Something taken once more.
Always something, someone gone, lost, missing, destroyed.
Tired of losing, tired of hurting.

Things always unraveling, turning upside down.
Never can hold on to anything.
Never can stay with anyone. Never wanted, never happy.

Never NORMAL.
Never in CONTROL.

Always a mess and always confused. hurting, Never whole, Never independent.
Always needy, and alone, always chasing friends away.
Never really sleep, or heal, Always in hell

Never knowing what to do,
Never knowing what to think,
Never knowing how

Where are the reasons to keep going?
Crawl inside the darkness,
Crawl inside the pain,
Crawl away from everything.

Find a piece of sanity? Find a piece of soul? Find a piece of life?
Unwanted unloved, uncared for…why do we have family?
At least don't hurt others in my pain.
Is there a way to stop being dependent as the pain grows?

Why must I be sick? Why different, Why can't I control it?
Why always the turmoil, always in extreme?
What good am I to myself? What good am I to others?

Tired so god awful tired of feeling, existing, hurting, confusion.
I want what everyone has… home, food, clothes. companion. Descent health care and enough to live without wanting for basics.

What have I done so wrong that I don’t deserve these things?
Who have I hurt so badly that this life is the Punishment I receive?
My body falls apart. My mind races.
I manage to fool others into thinking I am fine, normal that nothing is really wrong.

Today I was told I was too smart to be disabled. See I got them all fooled. I am not as smart as they think at this point I truly doubt I am as smart as I think ether.

Who would even want to really be my friend with me like this?
Are people really are my friends or are they just feeling sorry? Is what I feel real?
How in the hell do any of us know this life is real?